Have you seen this man?
If so, immediately contact the nearest WHITE NINJA. This man is EXTREMELY DANGEROUS! He recently escaped from unclebenny's containment system, and is to be considered ARMED AND DANGEROUS!
Do NOT panic. Unclebenny's team of highly trained crack-shot ninja assassins are working around the clock to ensure your safety. For the time being, its best if you take steps to discourage the SPIDER-PIG from attacking, such as:
1. Vary your routes to and from work/school/etc.
2. Travel only during the day. If you must travel at night, do so in a pack of no less than 3. Spider-pigs are often less likely to attack groups of people, preferring to prey on lone targets.
3. Do not make mention of unclebenny, his assassin-ninjas, or the on-going investigation over non-secure lines.
4. Do NOT EAT PORK. Spider-pigs are very protective of their young, and will unleash spidery-piggie-wrath on those who dare eat their brethren.
5. If contacted directly by one of my super-ninja-assassins, remember the current call/response as you will be killed for answering incorrectly:
Ninja- "Can he swing, from a web?"
Your response - "No he can't, he's a pig."
Remembering this response may very well save your life. My agents are trained/authorized/encouraged to kill all innocent bystanders who do not respond properly to their query.
6. Report any suspicious behavior ASAP to unclebenny by calling 1-800-SPDRPIG.
We appreciate your cooperation in this matter, and will keep you updated as important changes in this case occur.
Sincerely,
Agent White Ninja
